So, another psychic story. This is getting good, as well as eerie. The newest message given to my daughter last month regarding my son is that Dad and I need to let go and heal. Well, I, for one, would like to know how that works! Is it possible and what exactly does it mean?
Letting go is not something I can do. Deadbeat dads do this when they father a child with a person they had no intentions of staying with, and then go through life like it never happened. That is NOT something my husband and I can do. My pregnancies were planned and welcomed! We love our kids with all our heart. Letting go doesn’t happen because one died. Letting go of guilt, in whatever form it takes, is something we need to let go of. Survivor’s guilt comes to mind. Guilt of words spoke or unspoken, maybe. Some of this is even a hurdle to try and let go of. If this is what he was referring to, I can promise to try.
Healing is another thing. Do you heal from this type of loss, the loss of a child? At any age? Do we ever truly heal when we lose a loved one, at any level? I know I am better for having my son in my life. I know he is at peace. I am not sure healing is what I would call this, but I get up every day and function like a person who has a job. I eat. I laugh at funny things. I also know my son is not coming back. I say with confidence I do these things because several parents in my shoes cannot say this! To me, that is a huge step forward towards healing.
So, what is the next step? I write, and write with hope. I have never lost hope of many things: my son at peace; me at peace; my husband and daughter at peace; the sun shining another day; and last but not least, seeing my son when this Earthly world is finished with me and I go to my forever home! I will also see my parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles! All of whom have left marks on my life and helped form me to who I am today. You can thank them or blame them. Either way, I have hope of seeing them again if they let me through those gates! As far as healing, I am not sure I will ever be “ok” with losing my son. It is not a parent’s dream when we bring them into the world, nor our expectations during our living years. Truth is, I am not alone in this club, and never will be.
I will be honest here. My son gave me five years of pushing the possibility of losing him in a driving accident. I cringed every time I knew he was driving. Not all because of drinking. He was a dare devil. But, the legal system took his license away a couple times for the very reason of drinking and driving. So, was this a shock? Not entirely. Still not what I wanted, but something I warned him about several times. He never left the house without a warning. Seems kids/young adults are invincible. They never believe it will happen to them. We don’t want to think they will get sick, get cancer, get in trouble, etc. The list goes on and on. Another club that cannot be avoided, the club of “not my child.” It happens and it happened to me too.
Not sure where I was going with this post other than healing is a long, drawn out process and does not happen overnight. As long as I am getting out of bed to see another day, I am one step closer. Closer to healing or closer to my son? Six of one, half dozen of the other. Good news is, I am ok. We are ok. My son is ok. I wanted to be mad, but when he paid the ultimate price with those actions, I can only be thankful I had him for the time I did! I cannot live with regret, remorse, or the “what if’s!” I will heal a little more every day, but I will never let go of the love I had for my son. I let go of what I cannot control and let God do the rest. Bottom line, I am a mother. I cry because he is gone, but I smile because he was here.
#neverletgo #gonebutnotforgotten #forver24 #thedashinthemiddle
2 thoughts on “Letting go and healing… Is it possible and what does that mean?”
I think healing finally starts to come when you give up the fight that you can somehow change that they are gone. Absolutely irrational but I kept trying to bargain with God take me instead. I know I have a ways to go and I’m staring down the one year “anniversary” but I try to picture Ethan in my mind’s eye smiling. Sometimes it makes me smile too.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! That first year is the worst of it, but know Ethan is always with you!!