It has been exactly 18 months!! How has a year and a half gone by? We are back to time standing still and going so fast at the same time. It appears the 20th of each month will be a “trigger” for the rest of time!
I think the only way I have gotten to this moment is by keeping my son alive in my heart and speaking about him as if he is in the room next door, a vision I hold tight!! I don’t normally spend my time tallying how long he has been gone because I choose to focus on the time I had him here. The 20th of each month changes that mindset. The ache of that day, August 20, 2017, will never go away and I know that. Since then, on the 20th of every month, a dose of reality hits hard.
At mass this past weekend, the priest (Fr. Henehan, who actually baptized my son way back when!) spoke about what our focus should be and how we can easily lose that focus. Guess he didn’t read my blog about the ‘focused diversion!’ Faith is my focus, and getting through this short term so I can meet my child and all my family in the long term. Long before he passed, I knew our life on Earth was the short-term part of our life. Even if I live to 100, it is the short-term! I think I could have given the homily today on the be attitudes. I am not a saint, but I believe I am following those pretty well. I don’t believe our religion is all about suffering, but it is remembering who suffered and why.
My faith in knowing there is a plan is what has gotten me here. The sadness I feel when I know he is gone from the short term is my selfish side. I wish I could have had him longer. That is not the way it played out. It was also mentioned at mass that when we have no faith to lean on, it can cause a person to be very sad! I can see how that can happen. I rejoice in knowing my son had a place to go. Still doesn’t mean I was happy about it, but I know he is in His loving care.
Since rainbows give me peace, it would be really clever if my son, or the powers that be, could have one sent on the 20th of each month! I won’t my hold my breath. Even if it isn’t on the 20th, I would still love it, find peace in it, and believe in part it was sent directly to me.
I will spend the rest of the day thinking of my son (as I so often do anyway) and be sad about the time he has been gone, and rejoice for the time he was here. I won’t dwell on the things he didn’t get to do and I didn’t get to witness. I will hold onto the memories of the person. Those memories will include a crap load of man-made spittoons out of empty plastic soda bottles and empty chewin’ tobacco tins; memories of stinky clothes that smelled like the inside of a garage; cut up t-shirt parts that only contained one actual sleeve (I know what happened to the other one and so do all his hunting buddies 😳); and a serenade we enjoyed every time he took a shower as we turned the volume to ‘off’ on the tv so we could hear!! He is missed every day!!
The 20th of every month will be a constant and consistent date with memories that will make me cry because he is gone, but as always, make me smile because he was here! 😘❤️🌈🕊🙏😇
#eighteenmonthsbutseemslikeyesterday #gonebutneverforgotten #onesleevewonder #itsdejavueachmonth