Sitting in my chair letting all my thoughts wander, I ask myself, “How have I dealt with my loss?” Reality says “functionally” but my heart says “he’s still here.” I lost my son and the future of his life, but I still have so much of him. I have a part of him I will never lose!
There is a loss in the physical sense. Granted. We all lost that when my son died. He is no longer on this Earth. I brought him into this world. I lost flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. I get that and mourn daily for that loss. But he lives on in my heart, my stories, my memories, and my every day being.
If we can create our own destiny, as Dr. Phil states we can, I can create a happy future living with those stories, memories, and all the good things still in my life. Yes, I have to create it. I can’t change anything but that. Death is a final breath but it does not have to be a complete finale. I loved my son with all my being while he was on this Earth. I do not love him less now. I loved my parents also. Still do. I loved my brothers who have passed away, and still do. See where I am going…? We will all experience a loss at some point in our lives. That does not mean we have to stop loving those we have lost or stop living ourselves.
I don’t want to be living in the past and dwelling on all the things we used to do. If he were alive, we would be looking to the future. We must continue on that path. We must continue to view life and its possibilities with those we have lost still holding their spot in our hearts.
I have experienced events over the last year without him and, at times, I laugh out loud thinking of how he would react or respond to some of those events. It may be followed by a tear or two as well, and that is ok. I can create all kinds of scenarios. But, he lives on that way. I cannot think of all the things he didn’t get to do. It is difficult to miss something that never was. I have to hold on to the things he did do. I want to believe his death saved him from a worse fate. I don’t know how to describe something worse, but I could have lost him many different ways. The bottom line is he is gone, but I will never forget he was here.
I will continue to share stories and smile while I think of him, but I don’t want to cry every time. This does not mean I don’t miss him. He is not gone from my life, only this Earth. In my mind, he is in the room next to me. That room has a name. Heaven. I won’t be entering that room anytime soon I hope, but when I do, he will be there waiting for me. I can live with that.
So, I have the choice of staying depressed about a future none of us are guaranteed to have, or create a future that would honor a life and be positive and productive. Seems simple, but it is harder than I thought. I don’t want to be angry. Anger solves nothing. Seeking the positives every day allows me to see my life as moving forward. Smell the flowers. Eat the chocolate. Take a walk. Turn the radio up loud and sing. Help a stranger. Hold a door for someone. Take a trip. This is life. Live it.
Redefine the loss by making it a guiding force to do good going forward. Honor thyself and hold those memories close. Never forget and know you will have positives every day. You may have to search harder than before, but it can be done. We hold the power of life in our hands.
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