Who you’d be today…

I know I have mentioned this many times, but music speaks to me where my son is concerned. There is a country song playing on repeat in my mind these days… “Who you’d be today” (Kenny Chesney)! Cody was 24 when he died. He had a whole life in front of him. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but, at that age, we assume we always have more time. As another country song says, “wrong again” (Martina McBride). Trust me when I say this post will be full of these music parables.

I can scroll the youtube channel for all kinds of music. I have several songs in various posts already: The Climb by Miley Cyrus; Give Heaven Some Hell by Hardy; You Should be Here by Cole Swindell (that one hits a lot of his friends hard); and so many more. Many times, I don’t even hear the song. I hear my son singing it. That can be good or bad for some, but he thought he was a natural born singer. You should have heard him in the shower! You may have if you were driving by the house during those moments. He got loud. We used to mute the television and just sit and grin while he sang! He sang with so much passion! I miss those moments. Funny sidenote, the memory that popped up on Facebook recently was the clip of him singing onstage at the Illinois State Fair with Thomas Rhett. They sang “Something to Do with My Hands” and Cody was actually pretty good. People in the crowd started filming him and you can hear their astonishment, yelling to their friends, “Hey, that’s Trueblood!” I was sitting at home scrolling Facebook and I remember looking over at my husband and telling him “I think our son is singing… on stage… with someone famous…” Now, that stream of videos is worth more than a pot of gold to me today!!

I sit here thinking, he would now be in his 30’s. I wonder what he would have been like all grown up, if he actually matured. My mother always told me boys don’t grow up and mature until around the age of 25. I was close to proving her right or wrong. I would love to know what my son would have been like as a dad. He was great at the uncle thing, although he only had four years of it before he left us. His nephew remembers him, which is a big thing knowing he was so little at the time. I wish he could have met his niece too. Although, according to a medium or two, he already has. They are two peas in a pod, it would have been fun watching them argue!

The “What If’s” are all over the place today. I try not to live in the “what if’s” because they were never a guarantee, but a wish and hope. I have all the music in my head. The country songs that describe everything he would, or could, be like. The songs about giving Heaven some hell and how “You should be here’s” as I glance around and see the huge void he left us with. The “what if’s” had he made it to today… We can guess all we want. We will never know. We can assume (hopefully) that a lesson was learned had he escaped that tragic end. I use it as an example twice a month. What if he had made it home? What if he had time to think about the consequences before they happened? What if he knew today what he didn’t know back then? Who would he be today? What would he be like as a 30-something year-old man? Would he be a dad? Would he have gotten married… divorced… had a son or daughter…? I can’t live in those questions. I have to live in the real world of the void he left. I have to live with the memories and the songs that describe him. I have only the pictures, vidoes, and stories that can still make my hair turn another color (and not a pretty color at that!).

Who he’d be today is what I can only have hoped for. He’d be good at whatever he had decided to do: welding, mechanic, singing, mud bogging! The list is endless. He would have had ups and downs. He would have had times of trouble paying his bills and times of excess spending on crap he didn’t need. He’d be great at the uncle thing still. Hopefully, he would have been great at the dad thing too. I know he’d been great at the turning my hair gray! He’d probably still be good at unremorsefully taking my only dollar for whatever he needed. That is who he would be today. The person when someone asked if we were related, it would be followed with “Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Did he sleep with your wife, or borrow money?” Those were the questions I asked when asked if I was related to his uncle (one of my brothers). My brother knew I asked those questions, too. He was headed in his direction, so it came as no surprise. I still answer the question that way if someone asks me if I am related to either of them. I would like to think it would make them smile at the notion.

So, “Who would you be today?” is the million dollar question that has no right or wrong answer. The correct status is “you” would be YOU! and I would want nothing else. In the words of Mercy Me, “I can only image” and I do… A LOT! I will not live in the “what if’s.” I am going to live in the memories of what I did have, gray hair and all! I am going to remember every detail and tell everyone I know so I never forget and pray they never get tired of hearing about it. Who you would be today is who I cry over because you are gone, but smile about because you were here!

#whoyoudbetoday #funcleforever #gonebutnotforgotten #thedashinthemiddle