Grief vs Sadness

Most of my posts that I write come from conversations I have with various people. Recently, the subject of grief was highlighted. This person viewed grief a little differently than I did. I decided to look at the broader picture and realized there were other emotions that were reflected here that those not in this club of parents who have lost a child truly understand. That is a good thing for them and I sure don’t want to wish this on them just so they know how we feel. I would not wish this loss on my worst enemy. The conversation, though short, did get me thinking…

Grief and sadness are both emotions and stages we may experience during a deep loss. If you have never experienced grief, consider yourself lucky. My guess is we all have, we just may not have known it. There is a difference in the emotions, though many get confused and cannot differentiate one from the others. Let’s delve a little. Mind you, I am no expert, meaning I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or doctor. My only expertise comes from experience. Believe me when I say, I do have experience!

Sadness is an emotion that comes when we tend to be disheartened by a situation or outcome. Example: I can be saddened when I planned an outdoor event and then it rains. I can experience sadness when a picture pops up in my memories that I know I will never have a chance to repeat or be able to relive that moment, such as a birthday celebration! I can be sad that the future didn’t hold what I had wanted it to. The one thing about sadness that isn’t like grief, it can come and go like the wind.

Grief doesn’t seem to ever truly leave. Sometimes, I think it mutates. It’s an aching that can rear its head when you least expect it. Grief is a void. Grief isn’t as easy to explain as sadness. It goes deeper than that. I grieve the family members I have lost every day. I can be sad they are not here, but grieve because I wish they were. It is an endless hole that will never be filled with what I had a vision of prior to their passing. Doesn’t mean it isn’t sometimes glazed over. It can appear to subside, them BAM! The void is right back where it was.

Many get the sadness and grief confused with depression. Depression is a combination of all the things we cannot change and do not know how to cope with mentally due to whatever is blocking our thought process. It can be a chemical imbalance or a hormone issue. It can be physical or mental. Depression is a fog that doesn’t seem to lift. It can stop you from getting out of bed, going to work, visiting with friends, eating, etc. It can be linked to grief, but can actually happen when you have not lost a person close to you. May not have anything to do with it, but is mistaken for grief a lot. If you are in this fog, please seek outside assistance. This is a place people don’t usually climb out of on their own. There is no shame in asking for help. It could be helped with some hormone therapy and/or counseling. It hurts my heart that more people pretend they are fine rather than admit they may need help to get better. It is ok to ask for help! It is not a sign of weakness by any means and it bothers me many have the belief it is.

We cannot leave out “survivor’s guilt” from this scenario. This brings sadness to me. Others may respond differently. Those of us who have lived through the loss of a child hear many times how we are not supposed to bury our children. As caring as people want to be, this phrase is a knife in the heart. We did survive our children. We don’t need reminded of it, and feel guilty because we did outlive our child/ren. It was not our choice. You ask any parent in this club. We would have all traded places in a heartbeat! I already wrote a blog on this. In Sanskrit language, they call it “vilomah” which means “against natural order.” I have argued this and explained that it was not up to us what order in which we die. Mary buried Jesus. My mother buried two sons. My aunt buried two sons. My niece buried a son. Friends of mind have buried their child/ren. I am not alone in this crowd. The word I choose for a parent who loses a child is “incomplete.” Haven’t changed my mind on this either. We have a void, a hole, a vacancy that will NEVER be filled.

When dealing with my emotions, I have noticed I get saddened when my son’s friends share how they miss him too. I forget I am not alone in this struggle. I think a lot of us do that. But, I do grieve the vacancies and voids. I grieve the garage door not opening when I expect him home. I grieve the tv not blaring from his room late at night. I grieve because I know I will never get those experiences from him again. I grieve the future we all missed out on. Subtle, but different between the two.

Many think I am no longer grieving. Not sure why they would assume that. I grieve more privately now. When the loss of a child is fresh and unexpected, as mine was, I grieved, was sad, mixed with some depression, just a lot of everything. Now that several years have passed and I am creating my new normal, the surface may show I am not grieving, but trust me when I say a parent never stops grieving this loss. I also tend to keep my son alive in my heart. I know that sounds a little like I am in denial of the fact he is gone, but I am not. I know he no longer walks this Earth as a human, but I will never believe he is truly gone. As long as I keep him in my memories, stories, and continue to do things I know he would love, he will live on for as long as I do. For those who believe grief from death is a passing emotion we get over, it may depend on the relationship you had with the departed. Some people never get over their grief, whether it be a pet, a friend, or a spouse, but when it is your child, the answer is NEVER. Trust me. I know too many people in this club that agree. I have not met one parent yet who can say they no longer grieve the loss of their child. Not one.

I still have some sadness and will always grieve, but, luckily, depression was not one of the valleys I fell into. About four months went by and I ate my weight in depression. Once I got over that hump (and weight loss), I found light. That doesn’t make me any stronger than those who struggle. I found an outlet that helped me heal and overcome some of the issues that could have catapulted me into the realm of depression. I watched my mother bury two of my brothers. As sad as I am to say this, she taught me some strengths during those years before she passed. Writing has been my therapy and I believe I walked myself through it with her as my guide. 

Not everyone should analyze their own reactions and emotions to these situations and no one should be compared to another because of their responses. We all grieve differently and we all handle our sadness with different methods. Some listen to music when they are sad, while others get sad because of the music. Some people visit the gravesites of their departed to feel closer and some wrap themselves up in the memories and pictures. Me, I write and, sometimes, it rhymes. It has been my therapy long before this happened to my family. I just went a little farther with the writing in this situation. Again, no one is wrong in their grief, but if my thoughts I write down helps anyone else in this situation, then I am all for it. It doesn’t mean those who read it must agree. It just means this is how I cope and it might help someone else see themselves as well. That’s all. As I write, I may cry because they are gone, but I will continue to smile because they were here!

#griefandsadness #emotionalrollercoaster #noonegrievesthesame #thedashinthemiddle

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