Reactions and Perceptions

When a loved one dies, we are faced with so many different emotions. Some of those emotions will depend on the relationship. Many reactions depend on the circumstances surrounding the loss. Our perceptions guide those reactions. Two common denominators for all of us is: someone we care about has died; and none of us will respond the exact same way. Period.

I refer to “loss” like we can’t find them. This is another perception that is misconstrued to an extent. I know where my child is that I have ‘lost.’ I also know where the other family members that are no longer with us are. My son is at home… in a corner… on a shelf… in an urn… in a perpetual time-out for the rest of my natural life. You have to really know where to look to see him. It is not like he is on display for the world, but I can yell at him every time I pass that urn just as I had yelled at him when he was alive. It is right up there with yelling down the basement steps for him to come and get the laundry off the dryer. It’s a mom thing. I know it won’t change anything, but it allows me to feel the “normal” parent thing again with him. My other family members are buried side by side in the same row at the same cemetery. I don’t visit their graves often enough, but I still know where their bodies are. I also know where they will reside forever… in my heart! Their physical bodies are no longer alive on this Earth, but I did not lose them. My perception.

Why is my perception of death different than others? I believe what guides my perception and understanding of death is my faith. Faith those I have loved that have died are now in Heaven. They are seated next to our Lord and watching over me until we are reunited. That vision of them is what guides my reaction. I believe I know where they are. Even if someone wants to argue that, so be it. It gives me peace and that is all that matters.

I cannot look at life on this Earth and believe this is all there is. There has to be something bigger and better waiting on us. Many of us know what hell is. We have lived it. Some of us, more than once. We are born with no guarantees as to how long we get to stay on this Earth. Another reason I feel there is something else waiting for us. And, just like in the story of ‘save your fork,’ something better is yet to come. If you don’t know that story, next time you are at a fancy dinner or event and the waiter comes to take your plate, think about your fork and why you grab it so the waiter does not remove it with the dirty dishes. You also know something better is yet to come–dessert! Put that perception to “life” and something better is yet to come. I just have to wait until my plate has been finished. By the way, I’m not ready for dessert and I hope God feels that way too.

The additional perception of life and death that I have is that when I die, it will be as if no time has passed between those already in Heaven and myself. Even if I outlive my child by 20, 30, even 40 years, when we meet up in Heaven, it will be as if only seconds have passed between us. This is another reason for my reactions today. I know I will see him again and all of this time will revert to a split second. That gives me peace. I know if I had a chance to bring my child back from Heaven, he would not want to come. This leads me back to my perception regarding dessert. It is probably so much better in Heaven than here. I am in no rush to verify that, but it provides a sense of peace believing it.

All in all, my reactions stem from my perceptions. My first perception being the fact that all life will end at some point and no one is guaranteed the length of time that will be. Every single day and every single person in my life is a gift. When my child died, I was faced with the first of many choices: live for my child or dig a hole right next to him. I chose to live. In doing so, I double the experiences I have to include his memory in all of them. I carry him with me in my heart AND in my actions. Or, should I say my “reactions.” I have no control over the future. No, we do not want to bury our children. Fact. That being said, many of us have. Knowing my first perception of how short life is, how would it be if we all had the same reaction to this type of loss? Our reactions have all been different, and for many reasons. I should shed some light on why my reactions may be different than that of, say, someone whose child died from cancer; or someone whose child died by accident or due to another’s actions (accident or intentional); or someone who died by suicide; not to mention those serving our country.

1) I have seen a mother suffer when their child is ill. My mother watched my brother die of cancer when he was forty years old. Didn’t make that process any easier because he was an adult. We also knew it was his choice to be made “comfortable” in those last hours. To know he was in that much pain was a horrible feeling. I came to terms at that moment there are worse things than death. Watching a sibling suffer excruciating pain is right up there at the top of the list. His death, though sad, came with a sense of relief. He was no longer suffering.

2) When a child dies in an accident, this can be tricky. My son died in a single vehicle driving accident due to his own actions and decisions. He was driving under the influence. I spent five years praying this would not be the outcome, only to be awaken on a Sunday morning at 1:30 am by a deputy sheriff and the coroner. If this had happened because of another person’s actions (accidental or intentional), it would come with much more anger. We know it did not have to be in either case and could have been prevented somehow or some way. The difference for me is I don’t have the blame game going on in my head. No one else can be held accountable for his actions, but him. I have to live with that. My perception changes here because I had five years of worrying. In my head, it could have been sooner and I thank God for the time I was given. You also have someone who is enlisted and at war. As a parent, you know when they go in that returning home is not always guaranteed. There is honor in that, but it is still a hard pill to swallow and may come with anger mixed with pride. Again, maybe this could have been prevented, but still a choice to enter.

3) If a child dies by suicide, of which I know several in this horrible situation, and I have no answers, and neither do they. I know the survivors are racked with: what did I not see?; what could I have done?; and how could I have prevented this? That is a lot of “What if’s” that will not be answered and may come with a lot of anger as well, but mainly sadness. They are sad that their child felt that consumed by whatever to end it that way. But, there is a reaction that can help others going forward. Suicide Prevention is an honorable way to memorialize those lost to suicide. I have seen both sides of that coin and my heart still aches for all involved.

There are a lot of scenarios I could depict here to establish why my perception is different than others. Again, each person will react to their situation differently based on their own perceptions. There is no right or wrong way to grieve any loss. Our situation is our situation. Our perceptions and reactions are ours to work through. I ask myself all the time, “What if this was in the cards and how I respond is the path I am supposed to take? and How can I turn this into a positive?” That is a hard one! I speak to DUI offenders every month and share my son’s story. It is my therapy. This is my “positive.” I am asked all the time “How can you stand up and share your story?” My response is the same each time… “How can I not?” If it stops one more person and/or one more parent from standing in my shoes, so worth it!! Again, my reaction may be different than another in the same situation, but this all stems from my perception and my reaction to the situation dealt to me.

Faith will guide me and my actions. I can be a victim of the hands dealt, or I can spin the positive and hope the devil loses this one. My choice. My perception. My reaction. I hold no other accountable for how I respond to this situation and ask no one to understand why I do what I do. It is how I cope. I want to look in the mirror and face today knowing I have done my very best for me, my son, my family, and my ‘lost’ family. I want them proud of me. I don’t want to live being sad at what I didn’t get to experience. I want to live knowing I did everything I could to honor those family members in their absence. It is my reaction. I am still sad at times. Always will be to a certain degree, but, I am standing up and holding their memory at the center of my heart, letting them guide me to be a better person because of them. I will continue to cry because they are gone, but I will always smile because they were here. Period.

#gonebutnotforgotten #forever24 #perceptioniskey #thedashinthemiddle