A letter to you on your birthday… your 30th!!

It’s your birthday, your “dirty thirty!” Today, we celebrate you!! I would love to know what you would be doing and what you’d be like at this age. In the words of Mercy Me, I can only imagine! I try not to dwell on all the things I missed out on and want to focus on the blessings and memories I do have. Your birthday makes that almost impossible! As I have done every year on this day since you have passed, I want to write you a letter to recap this year without you!

I did do one thing this year that I still cannot believe I actually followed through with… I got a tattoo! Of course, once the words “I was thinking about getting a tattoo” were out of my mouth, your sister made sure I did not go back on my statement!! It is your actual signature tattooed on my wrist with a heart next to it. Now the outside of my body has a permanent mark of you just as my actual heart does!! She got a tattoo too that has your birth month flower of February, your death month flower of August, antlers, a fish hook, and the number “four” all entwined into a beautiful memorial display.

I have been posting pictures on Facebook every day this week counting down to your birthday. I tried to put them in chronological order. Some years just blend together. I think the phrase “same shit, different day” was describing a lot of what we went through with you (not all bad, but some moments changed my hair color)! Still, would not trade a single memory!

I am still spreading your message! Brandon’s mom has joined me for the presentations, which is great! Strength in numbers! Unfortunately, I have met a lot of people who knew you boys. I may start presenting to high school ages and I really hope to do so. I’d like to think it might have made a difference for you had you had an image of me giving this presentation prior to that fateful night. We will never know for sure, but I hope it is making a difference to those who hear it now. One group at a time, we will continue to try!

Well, this was a weird year in government! Politics are crazy! I’d voice my opinion if I thought it’d make a difference, but sadly, I fear it wouldn’t. So, to keep from trying to get debates going, I will keep those opinions to myself. I mean, truthfully, the lame logic (stole that description from your past), is beyond arguments at this point. You would have pulled another “Tony Stark” and given out your address to those trying to push laws on banning guns. Even the sheriffs were not going to enforce it. Luckily, the Supreme Court remembered what the Constitution says even if politicians forgot! For once, you would have been on the same side of the law!! Lol!

Your sister has her hands full! Your niece and nephew are growing like weeds! Your nephew wants to be a mechanic! He helps your dad every chance he gets! I smile picturing you guiding him and giving him pointers! Your niece is a spitfire and is so strong willed!! You would be such a great uncle to them! I do hope they can feel your presence every now and then! I know they have inherited some genetics and mannerisms from you that link you all! Makes my heart happy!!

I promised myself not to ramble on and on this time. I would appreciate a sign if you feel so inclined. I look for those signs every day. We will be celebrating the wonderful memories you left us with! I still may cry because you are gone, but I smile more because you were here, but we all miss you every minute of every day… ❤️🎁🎂🙏🌈🛻🎤😇🦌💙🚙♥️🎶🇺🇸🥾🎼

Love, Mom

#itsyourbirthday #dirtythirty #forever24 #thedashinthemiddle