Five years later… 😇

At this time, five years ago, I was numb. I had questions with no answers. Truth: I still have questions with no answers! The big difference from then and now, I quit asking. Now, I don’t take anything for granted! The sadness of losing a child never really goes away. With faith and hope, it is comforted, but I will always be sad at the future we all missed out on but thankful for the years I did have.

Time is an oxymoron. Time stands still and moves forward at the same exact moment. I am different than I was five years ago, yet feel like the same person. I am an oxymoron as well. Part of me died that day, yet another part of me came to life. It was the epiphany that none of us are getting out alive. For months after, I literally was a robot in many ways. I got up and went to work. I came home and made dinner. I still did all the motions, but with a dark cloud looming over me. I had to burst through the darkness. Was it easy? Hell no! But I could no longer live stagnant.

Physically, when I was pregnant with each of my kids, I ate for two. Their life depended on me. Mentally, I realized that in the death of a child, my child’s life still depended on me. My heart still holds that child tightly, as does his father’s heart and soul. We decided to “live” for our son. That tradition started three years ago. We took our first “Watch this, hold my beer” vacation to do things Cody would have loved! Those who knew him knew he was fearless! So, zip lining, mountain climbing (as best as two old people can do), and a little day-drinking it was!! I went outside my comfort zone to honor his memory! If stupid Covid had not hit, we would have done it every year. Turns out, “Watch this, hold my beer 2.0” happens this year! We are ready!

I think back to this day from five years ago and feel so many emotions. Most prominent emotion was the warmth in knowing how many lives were touched by the child I brought into this world! I was proud that so many had positive things to say. Of course, no one wants to hear negatives of their recently departed, and most have the decency not to speak ill of the dead, but I know that it is unrealistic to believe everything he did was the “make you feel good all over” stuff! That is truly what keeps him ‘real’ for me. Strange thing to hear, but even stranger to say, I know!

Truth of the matter is what happened to my son five years ago may have been his fate, but maybe it was mine too. For two years, I have shared his story with others. Many have asked during my presentations, “How do you have the courage to stand up and share this story?” How? How can I not!? The better question to ask is “Why?” To hopefully prevent other families of repeating this outcome. It is therapeutic in many ways. I don’t know how to explain it any better than that. To do nothing cannot be part of the plan!

Five years and so much has changed, yet remains the same. I catch myself still listening for the garage door to open. I still flip through his Facebook and tag him in posts all of the time! I still have his boots by the door and his tools spread out in the garage. Another truth, I still have his shirt by the dryer so I can yell down the steps for him to come get his crap! It’s a mom thing.

Five years gone, and yet here I sit: writing, sharing, smiling, and crying. Again, not so much has changed. Moments that I sit just thinking of the memories and reliving them over and over like an old favorite movie, makes me smile. I think to myself, “I brought that ball of energy into this world,” and I don’t regret a single minute. I miss him every day, but I also know he is safe where he is. No pain, no heartache. That is for us, and if we didn’t feel it, I would be sad. He had a great sense of humor and he would not want us sad. It is ok to be sad at times, but he would not want me to live there, so I won’t.

Five years, wow!! Every time I say it out loud, it is with disbelief. My love for that kid lives on and on. His spirit, well it has been consumed and reincarnated in his four year old niece!! A spitfire and ball of energy just like her uncle. I’ll take every second of it too!! It does pose the question, “Are we ever really gone?” Nope! We live on in those around us.

Five years from now, I will probably still feel the same, but with more comparisons to his niece and nephew that will prove, once again, his spirit lives on (at least I hope). I will continue to write and I will also continue to smile and cry. I have noticed a trend starting… For those that knew Cody, think of a story (hopefully one that makes you smile and not cringe) and look up to the sky and smile. If you drive a diesel, blow some smoke. If you still drink (but don’t drive when you do!) raise your beer and yell “here’s to you ‘Merica!! Yee yee!” He would love it and so would I!! And, if you are like me, you cry because he is gone, but smile because he was here!!!

#gonebutnotforgotten #fiveyearsgone #forever24 #thedashinthemiddle