As we head into the Lenten season, we are once again reminded of the sacrifices made on our behalf. We relive Mother Mary seeing her son die before her. I can relate. There is a spiritual feeling in me when I think of my son up there in Heaven standing next to our Heavenly Father in all His glory. I will survive this knowing he is safe. It will all make sense later. I can’t try and figure it out. I won’t get the answers down here. Until then, I will remain a witness in life.
Please note, I have, at no time in my life, ever wished to have my child die before me nor do I wish that for any parent!! The statistics from 2017 were 19% of parents will have a child die before them!! Those statistics compute to almost one of five parents. That may have changed, but if it did, it only went up!! How do we get passed the stigma that it will never be us? How do we say, “enjoy our children now!!” Tomorrow is not guaranteed!! Bereaved parents find this out the hard way.
I view my situation as that I didn’t lose my child. I know where he is. What I lost was a future with him, seeing him get married, have children, and seeing the person I knew he could be. That makes me sad all by itself. I cannot say that it should’ve been me. I can only wish it had been. To say you are not supposed to bury your child gives me guilt. Why? Because I did have a child die before me and now I have to live with that just as Mother Mary did! Continually reminding me of the fact just makes the pain an endless heartache. I would rather be grateful for the time I was blessed with and hold tight to the memories rather than continually remind myself of the things I will not get to experience. It just extends my heartache.
I think we perpetuate the sadness we feel when we convince ourselves we should be above surviving our children. As I have said a thousand times, our only guarantee is that we will die. We don’t get to choose the order sometimes!! When I say we perpetuate the sadness, I am referring to the statement that we convince ourselves it will never be us, and then it is!! Every time we remind ourselves it was us, and that it should not have been, we are sad all over again! It seems unfair, but then again, we all know life is unfair!
So how do we get over repeating our sadness. We don’t. We get through it knowing we will meet again! That is what the Lenten season is all about!! It is my guiding force. We should all focus on enjoying the love of those in our lives now. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. None of us.
I have convinced myself that my son is still with me: in my heart; in my actions; in my life. He just happens to be in a room I am not allowed to enter yet. Our gracious and loving God will tell me when it is my turn. I have offered the care of my son up to Him until then. That gives me great peace!
I don’t want to perpetuate the heartache and relive it every day. I need to know my son is alive in my heart and I had a great life with him! I miss his presence, but he is with me in more ways than I can count. My actions are enhanced with the love I had for my child going forward with each breath, step, and action. I want the love I still have in my heart to be reverberated in the life I live from now on. And that applies to both my children. I still have a child alive who is watching me, no matter her age. I LIVE for her and my grandchildren too! They are my witness.
I know I have repeated myself several times. I don’t want to be reminded of what I don’t have. I want to remember what I experienced and was blessed with! This time of year hits me right in the heart, literally. The prodigal son has returned home. I cry because he is gone, but I smile because he was here. I am a witness to the Glory He provides.
#lentenseason #iamawitness #iwillseeyouagain #thedashinthemiddle
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