It is All Souls Day and a time to remember and pray for those we have lost. It is sad that I have a list!! We all grieve differently for those who have passed. It doesn’t matter where they fall in the family hierarchy. A loss is a loss. People have told me they think I have dealt with my grief involving the loss of my son with much grace. Well, I am not always sure that is true. I proved that again in conversation just the other day. I still have my moments. I also know we are all born with one guarantee… that we will, at some point, die. The in-between is up to us. Losing my son has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with by far. I thought I couldn’t fathom anything worse for a parent. But there is. Of that, I am sure . I have lost several brothers and both my parents. I knew at an early age this was a possibility being the baby born into a large family. Death is not the worst thing life has to offer, and that is my perspective!
Definition—Perspective: a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. It’s a half full or half empty way of looking at situations.
I remember when my husband used to call me every morning at 6:30a to make sure I was awake. He worked third shift. I complained to a friend that I was bothered a little with him thinking I could not get myself up on time. She quickly fired back, “I wish my husband was thinking enough of me every morning to call!” That changed my perspective of his morning call quickly!! Someone sees a “6” and you see a “9”. The object didn’t change, but the way we looked it changed our perception of what we were seeing. Some are sad the day is over when the sun sets. Others are happy to have made it through another day. Perspective.
In retrospect in regards to my loss, I can go another step or two!! What if my son had suffered horribly? That is worse! Watching someone suffer is a very hard thing to do, far worse than death sometimes. Ask anyone who has had a family member suffer from dementia or Alzheimer’s!! That has got to be one of the worst!! What about a family member doing everything possible to extend their life due to cancer!! Chemo sucks the life right out of people and might even be worse than the illness itself!! I saw that first hand with my brother who was only 40 years old!! We take life’s situations and can ALWAYS take it one step further. Sometimes, death is NOT that one step further. Death can be relief and/or peace for those suffering… and those watching!!
I did not accept my son’s death with grace. I accepted it as a part of “life,” part of the “plan.” I have faith!! I miss him every single day. I have a lot of wonderful memories in my heart to keep him alive in spirit. Those memories will have to sustain me until I meet up with him in Heaven!! I still cry as I mow the lawn listening to every sad song that reminds me of him. I still dream that it didn’t happen. I still yell down the steps to the basement and tell him to come get his stuff off of the dryer! But, I didn’t helplessly watch him suffer, knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to ease his pain as my mother did with my brother. For that, I am grateful. I didn’t get here overnight. Trust me! Again, I could take this to a worse-case scenario, but for now, I am where I am!
I am sure if Cody were to answer that question of immediate death or suffering, he would agree. If he were to have lived through what the police told me happened, he would have been in very, very bad shape. Death might have been the result either way, but this way, I know he did not suffer. The knowledge of that is peaceful. Sad to hear, but peaceful to know. Some may not know, but I didn’t get to see my son after he died. I saw him walk away from the house to go fishing and that is my last vision. The next time I saw him, he was in an urn. Could it have been an act of God that I didn’t see him or the wreckage …? Maybe!! I feel the void of this image was Cody’s gift to me and his father. I will not know for sure until I get to Heaven!! Perspective!
I will continue to have my days that pull me back a step or two, but until then, I don’t want to miss the beauty in front of me! Part of me died the day my son died, but the rest of me is trying to live for him and on his behalf!! Roses smell twice as sweet because I smell them for both of us!!l! I choose to live the best of life in honor of all of those who didn’t get to live as long as I wish they could have!! Just my perspective!! Love like there is no tomorrow!! Enjoy those around you! In an instant, they might not be! Don’t waste the moment!! As always, I cry because he is gone, but I smile because he was here!!!
#livelovelaugh #livelifetothefullest #changeyourperspective #thedashinthemiddle