August has such a mixture of emotions! For many parents, it’s sending their children back to school. For me, it is a month of thinking about all the things I have done, and a reminder of all the things I didn’t get to witness or do with my son, Cody. These next few weeks will seem like a gauntlet: a long, narrow path I must travel to get to the next level. In three weeks, we will hit the 2-year anniversary of losing my son. Seems like forever and, then again, just yesterday… How has this time gone by so quickly, and yet every detail of that day is like it just happened? I will not celebrate the date, but I will celebrate the life of Cody! I miss him, so to honor his memory, we will do something Cody-like (that won’t get us arrested!!). It will allow us to feel his presence even stronger as we reminisce about the years we were blessed with.
My son was a gift to my life! I am sure there are many who feel the void, just maybe not in the same way I do! We are all going to die. It’s a given! But what will life be like because we were here? I know my job will get posted and filled if I were to die tomorrow. I know my house will still be standing. I know that life for all will continue on, but I hope will be somewhat different because of the part I played. I know that is the case for those I have lost, but I had never felt it as much until it was my child!! It changed my whole future, but he helped make many memories I will cherish!! We all hope to leave a mark, a void in time, a story to tell, and hopefully, pictures showing the path our journey in life has traveled. I am sure my son never knew the mark he was leaving behind on all those he came in contact with. Even the smallest of gestures might have left a permanent mark on someone. I hope it was positive, but I am sure there were some not-so-stellar moments!
I refer to the movie “Final Destination” a lot in my situation, but in reality, it is literally everyones’ destiny! We cheat death many times in our lives and do not even realize it. The end result is we will die another way if we cheat it now. I know my son cheated death more than once in his life! When he was 19, he cheated death. Can’t say he learned much from that experience, but it did not stop him from living “his” way! He did live!! Up until his last breath, he lived!! For that, I am grateful. Many parents who have lost a child do not get to declare that! They may have watched suffering and struggles that lead to the end result. I did not, so I did see him living a good life until death! I also saw my life flash before my eyes at some of his antics at times. I still have to color my hair because of those moments! I have convinced myself over these almost two years that this may have been his “final destination,” but he could have also been saved from something much worse, or had been able to put his demons to rest… I don’t know, and won’t know, until we meet again!
I will move forward, letting time play tricks on me! Again, a blessing or a curse, doesn’t matter!! I want to remember my son as if he was just here yesterday! I am so okay with that!! I will NEVER forget and NEVER get over this, but I will move forward!! LIVE!! LOVE!! And, for God’s sake, LAUGH!! Life is short!!
I know I have not traveled this path alone, and I won’t finish it alone. Even if I am standing by myself, I was NEVER alone!! The strength of those around me has held me up and helped me see tomorrow in my future. My faith, my never-ending, never-swaying faith has helped me wake up every day knowing there is a rainbow after this storm.
These next few weeks will be emotional, difficult, comforting, and heart-breaking all rolled into a blur!! I will survive it because my son would want me to, and expect nothing other from me! He is in good hands!! I can live with that image!! As always, I cry because he is gone, but I smile because he was here!!
#heretodaygonetomorrow #livelaughlove #momentstoremember #thestruggleisreal
thedashinthemiddle.com 