Twenty-plus years ago, I gave advice, probably unwarranted, to a loved one who was recently divorced. Granted, I have never been divorced, and I am not a marriage counselor… or any kind of counselor. My advice: heal from the inside out. I meant it then, and I mean it now. For her, I was speaking about divorce. My emotional sense tells me divorce can be harder to accept than death. It comes with feelings of inadequacy and/or rejection irregardless of if that is the case or not. The bottom line, it is still a loss: a loss of hopes, dreams, events to share, etc. It changes everything you viewed the future to be. For the better part of this comparison, the loss of the future is the biggest of the similarities, though not the only one.
In reference, I refer to the side of the divorce who did not have knowledge of a problem or failed to acknowledge the problems thinking things would work out. Those are the people who are in a state of shock the relationship ended. For that person, the who was ‘blindsided’ at the end, one common thing they do is start looking to fill the void. According to the ‘experts’ I learned the “inside out” concept from, that is not a good idea. Reason for that is because, if one rushes into another relationship, nine times out of ten, they will end up with the same type of relationship they just left. The experts’ rule for trying to avoid this repetitive behavior is take one year per every five years in a relationship before jumping into any new serious relationship. If someone was with their mate for ten years, they should take a break for two years before delving into another serious relationship. Doesn’t mean they can’t have any relationship, just don’t get married right away. Makes sense, but the biggest hurdle is healing the heart. So, I took this concept one step further.
How do we heal the heart after the ‘blindsided’ death of a loved one? Even if we knew it was inevitable, we are in a state of shock! We have a huge void! But, when the void is death, no one contemplates filling it because you cannot. It just is. My advice remains the same: heal from the inside out. This process, for me, starts with the first two choices given after the loss: live for the person you lost or dig a hole and die with them. For me, I chose to live. I still had a void, just as in divorce. The feelings were different as divorce, but, nevertheless, still a void. To heal my heart, I chose to love the life he lived and not concentrate on the things I missed because he died. This was the beginning of healing my heart from the inside out.
My next step to healing was understanding what helped the process. Writing was, and is, great therapy for me. Finding a positive in every single day was another therapeutic exercise. These actions all worked together. I am not sure if this would help for the divorce side of therapy since I have never been divorced, but it could not hurt! Finding something uplifting should be a priority for everyone, whether they write it down or not.
I have noticed in many situations, human nature has us looking at any type of change as a take-away. This could be in the workforce, sports, anything. I know when contracts change for personnel, someone will focus on one less sick day a year as opposed to an increase in wages. In employment contracts, I don’t even think you have to have a take-away to invent one. Death is a take-away, but I wanted to focus on what I had been given prior to that take-away, the life my child lived. That was a gift. When you lose someone super important to you, everything else can seem insignificant to an extent. I was happy to have a place to go that included some sense of “normalcy” that I had not had since the tragic day I was told my son died. I wanted to be anywhere that had not changed because of his death. Somewhere, anywhere, and at the same time, felt nowhere. When I was in my ‘normal’ place, I preferred to focus any thoughts I had of my child on the “gift” he had been and not the “take-away” I suffered. It was the beginning of the inside out healing I needed.
People today may not notice the grieving I still do. It isn’t like I hide it. It is more like since I take my son with me in my heart everywhere I go, I am not as sad. Do I think he is really with me. Mentally and spiritually, yes. Physically, no. I know he is no longer of this Earth. I am not going to pretend he is. That does not mean I don’t celebrate his life with the memories I was left with. Again, I want to live my life where he lived, not in the world where he died. That is a dark place, and I have seen what it can do to a person.
My heart will never be the same. I will never stop missing him. What I refuse to do is die with him. He lived life. I want to live life for him and because of him. My heart may be different, but it is healed. It was healed with Faith that he was here for a reason and I don’t want to contradict that reason. He made my life better despite the gray hair I gained because of his “shenanigans.”. Both my kids made me a better person. My life going forward will always be different because of the life I brought into the world. As always, I cry because he is gone, but smile because he was here.
#healinginsideout #forever24 #neverforgotten #thedashinthemiddle
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