I have read and reread all the things I have written over the past two years and I have come to a conclusion, burying a child is like starting over as an infant! The first year is learning how to do EVERYTHING (over)!! I cried a lot! Then, I learned to crawl, followed by standing and, then walking. I was able to put a few words together, asked “why?” A LOT!!, and then, eventually formed more coherent sentences.
I spent that first year looking at everything as if I had been seeing it for the first time, scared sometimes, and had a few happy moments. Please do not confuse this situation with a “rebirth.” I was not reborn. I found Jesus a long time ago and he has not moved, nor changed! Still my Savior! I just had a lot of things in common with being born! I was relearning how to do things with a huge void! That void was not there during my first birth umpteen years ago!
Now, I am wrapping up year two. I have put words into complete sentences; learned to walk a little longer and farther; the tears and crying are not all the time; and I am sleeping through the night. With so many similarities to being a baby to a toddler that I have experienced, I fear for those in my path for year three! I remember that “3” was so much worse than the “terrible 2’s” but you’ve been warned!! Lol!! Many things this second year were very similar, just with a “second” in front of it rather than a “first.” I still have my melt-downs, but they aren’t as long and drawn out. I spend more time smiling at the memories, as opposed to feeling cheated for all the things I didn’t get to do or see happen!
One thing is very different this time! I have vowed to LIVE for Cody, instead of dying with him!! If he can’t do things, I must do them for him! This will be living the best life with his memory close to my heart. I want to know he is with me, proud of me, and smiling down knowing “we” are doing these things together! I feel this is the best tribute to him I can offer! Crying with sadness that he is no longer actually in front of me will still be part of the grieving process, but it isn’t the only process! So, to honor his memory, his dad and I went on a “watch this, hold my beer” vacation!! I went zip lining, walked across a bridge on a rope from one side of a mountain to a mountain across from it (wasn’t as far as it sounds, but I did it!), went on a sky tram, AND drank moonshine!! These are ALL things that boy of mine would do if he were here, and I hope he is proud of me for going outside my comfort zone! I’m sure he’s ‘high-five’ing me right now (if I raised my hand!!) 😉 I haven’t gone skydiving yet, but it isn’t off the bucket list yet!!
None of us are meant for this Earth forever, and I know that when I am called home, I don’t want others to stop living their best life either! I want to be living proof that we can continue to honor and keep memories alive of those we have loved so dearly and lost! I don’t want to waste a minute of my life not thinking good thoughts and smiling at good memories, nor do I want to forget about those still here, that loved him and miss him too!
I will continue to make new memories, but will hold onto these ones with Cody in them a little tighter than most. He was my son! I brought him into this world with no guarantees… except one!!! I will love him FOREVER!! As always, I cry because he is gone, but I smile because he was here!!
#gonetwoyears #myonlyson #iloveyouforever #thedashinthemiddle